Usually I do the major life review thing at New Year, but for some reason this year the urge came upon me on my birthday. It wasn’t even that I’d decided to get all insightful and zen – to be honest I was just downright frustrated and fed up and this was what led to the break through.
I guess I realized that I no longer had anything to lose. On the surface – large parts of my life had turned to sh**. Like – living on savings, trying to find some kind of income, laptop blown up – making it really hard to blog, partner with diminished mobility due to failed surgery on his knee, winter, cold house. BUMMER! It sucked, and no matter what I did I couldn’t seem to gain traction on any of it. So I gave up. And that changed everything….
So often we hear from the likes of influencers like Gary Vaynerchuk and Tony Robbins that we need to be ourselves, be the best that we can be, be honest, be authentic. And despite writing posts on it here and here I hadn’t realized that I still wasn’t being enough ME. Not nearly enough, not even halfway enough. Which was weird, because that’s what I THOUGHT I totally was doing. I wasn’t embracing my weird, my crazy and irreverentness (is that even a word?), my loudness, my colour, my impulsiveness, all those things that I’d been criticized for all my life. I looked at myself and realized I’d been playing it small. Far too small. And if you ever meet me, you’ll realize that I’m NOT a quiet play-it-small person.
Instead, on that brilliant birthday I made a decision to double down on the loud, the crazy, the irreverence, the weird, and if people didn’t like it…… well zero f**ks given. Nothing else was working anyway so nothing to lose. And in some weird the-universe-is-watching-you way it’s worked. Like, INSTANTLY.
In the past two weeks, I’ve dyed my hair the reddest red I could find, thrown out all the black clothing and put together the most outrageous and colourful combinations I could imagine, turned up the stereo, got an awesome job (never expected that, the over-50 curse has been upon me lately) and figured out how to get around the broken laptop dilemma until I can afford a new one. All because I decided to say f**k it, even if it meant selling the house, moving, and losing relationships. Whew, is that a rollercoaster or what?
To all you regular readers, I apologize. I’ve been a fraud. This blog is all about living with #heart especially when you’re over 50 and have to start again from scratch, and up till now I realize that I haven’t been doing that honestly. Even my writing has been measured and careful. But no more.. Expect more SHOUTING, more rants, more crazy. More passion too – but what a poor sad word that’s been debased by the HR departments of big corporates. Anyone for a self-starter who’s passionate about counting things??? Groan. Actually I think crazy about covers it.
And the work….driving shuttle buses at the local skifields with an awesome crew of people. And free skiing. Did I mention free skiing???? Except not skiing, this year I’m learning to board so it’s free riding. AND getting to be in the mountains all day.
So if you’re at that place where I was not so long ago. Give up, stop trying so hard, DON’T try to change. Double down on YOU, wallow in your you-ness and see what it brings you. It might just be gold.
And if you’re wondering I’m FIFTY SIX YEARS experienced. That’s the word. Experience. Not old. Never old. Just crazy!
Bring it on! Live with #heart! And please read follow and share too!
PS my bus is the tiny one down the far end….