I had what Oprah calls an “aha” moment this morning during meditation. It concerned the theme of my life. You know how we all seem to have one overarching issue in our lives which keeps recurring until we deal with it? For some it’s addiction, for others it’s maintaining a long term relationship, or dealing with ill health. Well for me it’s being true to myself. And the myself that’s been showing up for a large part of my life has not been authentic. It’s been the 1960’s white middle class female that I was brought up as.
Which would have been fine if it worked for me, but it didn’t. All that good girl stuff about not being a tomboy, speaking quietly (well THAT didn’t work out!), being “a lady” whatever-the-hell-that-is. I realized I’ve spent far too long fitting in, shutting up and shutting down. Being quiet, not owning my feelings, my voice. The recurring theme of my childhood was a parent saying ” you just have to be different don’t you?” Ending up in a very conventional step-family didn’t help. I seemed to be in trouble without even trying, just because I thought differently. And being shamed for it. Sadly, the result was that I tried so hard to fit in when I should have been running the other way. Fast. I always felt that there was something wrong with me. I didn’t measure up and was somehow less worthy than everyone else and full of shame because of it. And then to top it all off I became a librarian, how much more conventional can you get? It’s getting harder and harder to stay in that box of conventionality where I’ve been all my life – the sides are bulging and the lid’s about to explode off.
After some fast walking and vigorous housework (always therapeutic!) today I decided game over. End of. Caput. Fini. The hell with fitting in. I’ve finally grown up.
I chose my hashtag heart logo for this site because I wanted to live with heart. All of my best decisions have been the ones where I’ve followed my heart and I’ve been authentic. Now it’s time to put my money where my mouth is and actually do it. Be creative, live life to the full and be the real me, and on the way encourage others to do the same. Life’s too short for anything else.
May this be of use to you